Arrogant Bastard

 Text message from Dirty Dog to Diego:

I had just finished unloading 98.2 pounds of groceries from the trunk of your car. I was so damn hot, my tongue was dragging on the ground getting all filthy and all. Damn, I stepped on my tongue and dam near fell and broke the eggs.  But I caught my balance in the nick of time.  My tongue hurt like a blazing hot anvil fell on it. I couldn't even call my sister to help me.

And then when I put the groceries on the table, did I get even a hint of gratitude with a simple, thanks Sweetheart? No! My sister was lounging on the couch drinking my Guinness, the only God forsaken Guinness left in the house.  It was the only damn beer in your house. I brought it to share with you. Honest. 

But would she offer me even the tiniest of sips? NO! She drank the whole glass, All of it.

"Here Little Brother. Put the glass in the dishwasher for me.  Will ya."

I stood there with my tongue dry and throbbing in pain. I really needed a beer to wet it good and sooth my pain. But do you know what my selfish sister said?  I can't believe it. 

"Oh Sweetheart, (I don't know why I listen to  her call me that. That's what she used to call me when she used to change my diapers.) Oh Sweetheart, she said, "put them groceries away.  I don't want to miss my soap opera."

I fixed her, alright. I put all 98.2 pounds of groceries in the freezer and walked down to Jerry's liquor store and bought me an ice cold six pack of Arrogant Bastard.

Oh. I need you to come to the Seal Beach jail and bail me out.  After that sixth Bastard I took all my clothes off and I jumped into the ocean. Well. It turned out to be a very small ocean. It was the public pool and they don't allow you to swim in your birthday suit.

And the bail is $500.oo.

Can you bring me a shirt and pants too.

Thanks,
Your brother-in-law, Dirty Dog.